Lesson #11: In life, the real blessing is God Himself

I'm reflecting on where I was last year...well, for one, I was in Honduras. But beyond that, I was also having a difficult time. I felt as though I was failing as a teacher, I couldn't be with Tim on our first anniversarry, and my mother was very unhappy with me because of my decision to fly home for Christmas. It was through that difficult time that God began to teach me about His blessings. As I reflect on where I am today, I am overwhelmed by everything that God is doing or has done. I have so much to be thankful for!
At the time that Tim proposed to me in April in Honduras, I felt so isolated from everyone-like I didn't have anyone's support or even approval (at least not from my family and friends back home). I felt crushed because my sister told me not to marry him and my mother was disappointed in me for saying "yes." Through that time, I had to trust God. It meant so much to me that Tim was willing and wanted to wait to have my parents' blessing. Although I know it took a miracle, my parents finally gave their blessing the night that we took them out to eat at the Chinese buffet! As we began planning the wedding, I began to feel support on every side. Melinda and Darrick wanted to pay for us to have the wedding at their church, my mom wanted to pay for the wedding dress, Laury wanted to plan my wedding shower and bachelorette party, and Buita wanted to pay for the cake. As if that wasn't enough to be thankful for, Tim and I are about to celebrate our 2nd anniversarry together (the date is a surprise). When I compare where I was one year ago to where I am today, I see the different ways in which God works.
Last year, I felt God's love and presence as I turned to Him in desperation. This year, I feel God's love as I see how he has brought us all together and allowed for the details of the wedding to work out wonderfully. In both ways, He has caused me to turn to Him: in desperation and in love and thankfulness. But, in any case, I would say the real blessing is God Himself.

"Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am." Phil. 4:13 (from the Message)

Lesson #10: Life is lived in the moment, but remembered through reflections.

Really, my entire blog while in Honduras has been a series of reflections. Rarely do we write about things while they are happening (unless you're a reporter or something of the sort.) The funny thing is, although my life in Honduras has become a series of reflections or memories, I did not have the luxury of seeing my literal reflection very clearly while living in Honduras. What I mean is that the mirror in my bathroom above my sink was a small, maybe 8X6 square that I could barely see my entire face in. This is what I used to tell every morning whether or not I looked okay before I left for school. Never was I able to tell how my clothes looked on me! That was definitely a different experience. Viewing my reflection became even more difficult when the electricity would go out the night before and not come back on even after the next morning. On these days, I would have to trust that I looked okay because the light in my bathroom was too dim to really see anything in the mirror. Thinking about the small glimpse of myself that I was able to see reflected by the mirror, I think about how partial my reflections really may be compared to the reality and entirety of my experience. Nevertheless, I went to Honduras in faith and confidence that that was where God wanted me. Coming back, I can see the work that God accomplished while I was there.
Before leaving for Honduras, God had been doing a work in my heart about the meaning of church and The Church. Consequently, I had been longing for an organic church body that did not necessarily follow the church traditions.. I had become very discouraged in my search, but God had a plan for me all along. Soon after arriving in Honduras, I discovered that my downstairs neighbor was involved in a non-profit ministry called Urban Promise. This group of people met every Sunday morning in their office for something they called "English church." These meetings consisted of tasty potlucks and talks about God, among other things. At the first meeting I attended, I was told that the purpose of the meetings was to learn more about God, whatever that meant. Throughout my time in Honduras, I regularly attended these meetings and realized that this was exactly what my soul was longing for. Nobody was in charge of the meeting, but there was always a sense of unity in our discussions and worship. I attributed this to the Holy Spirit. What's more, these people became friends. I never could have planned it out myself-that I would travel all the way to another country to find the church body that I was looking for.
Another work that God had been doing in life before leaving the United States was making me realize my lack of transparency with people. I never wanted to share how I felt or what I thought with others because I was afraid that it would be boring or that it would be something I would regret saying later. Through going to the weekly Sunday gatherings and because of my wonderful roommate, God began transforming me. Although I was hesitant to share at first, I was put in situations where I couldn't not share. My roommate constantly talked about her thoughts and feelings, and over time, I felt compelled to do the same. In fact, to not do so would make me feel unfair. Also, the church meetings would not have been very interesting or effective, if nobody ever talked. By refusing to share my heart, I would have been refusing the Holy Spirit. And so, God created situations in my life that allowed Him to continue His work.
God also grew my faith in Him during my time in Honduras. Through many of the experiences (most of which I have posted blogs about), God was teaching me to trust Him. I think back on my time in Honduras as a time that I was able to hear from God and learn about Him independently from the beliefs, thoughts, and fears of those around me. In many ways, I felt as though it was just me and Him.
Even as I write these reflections, I think about the passage in I Corinthians 13:9-12. "For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away. When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known."

Lesson #9: Climbing a Mountain is No Easy Challenge

My most recent adventure has been climbing Celaque-the tallest mountain in Honduras. Tim and I took on this mountain during Holy Week here in Honduras. Although I knew that climbing Celaque would by no means be easy, I did not quite expect the intensity of this climb. We arrived at the Celaque National Park Visitor Center on Wednesday afternoon. After checking out the map and plotting our course, we began our hike in high spirits. The trail was challenging, but not more than expected. We arrived at the first camp earlier than expected, so we decided to continue on to the next camp before dark. Unfortunately, we did not make it to the second camp before dark. By this point, the climb had become increasingly difficult and my legs were about to give out beneath me. I was beyond exhausted. Because we did not want to continue literally climbing up rocks in the dark and risk getting hurt or lost, we found the flattest spot that we could find, and took out our sleeping bags. Not only was the ground uncomfortable and uneven, but it began to pour on us and continued to do so all night. The next morning, we knew we needed to continue our hike to the top; so even though we were exhausted and wet, we continued our ascent. Along the way, we passed the camp that we had meant to reach the night before. After hours of climbing up the mountain, we finally reached the top. By this time, I had really begun to doubt whether climbing Celaque really was going to be worth it in the end. When we finally reached the peak, WE COULD SEE NOTHING. The top was covered in clouds and trees. Somehow I've always imagined that climbing a mountain would be difficult, but that the view from the top would make the climb worth it and everything involved in the climb would have meaning and significance. When we got to the top, I felt none of that. I only felt exhaustion and disappointment. Furthermore, giant gnat-sized mosquitoes were eating us alive. After spending time atop Celaque, we began our descent. We couldn't wait to get off the mountain. We were absolutely exhausted. The climb down became tricky because of the rain the previous night. Everything was wet, so we really were just sliding down the mountain. About halfway down the mountain, it again began to pour. We desperately wanted to get off the mountain and there was nowhere to hide from the pouring down rain; so we had to continue sliding down the mountain-turned giant mudslide. After enduring hours of sliding down Celaque in the pouring rain, we finally reached the visitor's center. Every inch of us was soaked-including everything in our backpacks. We were literally shivering. Thankfully, a moto-taxi pulled up soon after our arrival at the visitor's center, and was able to take us to a hotel in town. While descending the mountain in the pouring rain, I realized how only a few minutes hiking in the rain can feel like an eternity. Also, a few minutes climbing uphill (rain or no rain) can feel like an eternity. Time seemed to pass so slowly. It felt as though I'd endured the pain and discomfort for hours.
After having climbed a "real" mountain, I wonder at the expression "mountaintop experience." I felt no sense of victory or real accomplishment at being at the top of the mountain. I find it interesting that many times in the Gospels, the Bible tells us that Jesus would go to the top of a mountain to pray. I had no sense of clarity at the top of Celaque-everything was so cloudy and covered. I couldn't see anything. The real sense of relief came when I finally got off the mountain. It seems as though life isn't so much about the mountaintops and the dark valleys, but just about the climbs life takes us on. In the end, it's good to know that amid the pain and discomfort, God is there.
"I look up to the mountains, does my strength come from the mountains? No, my strength comes from God, who made heaven, and earth, and mountains. He won't let you stumble, your Guardian God won 't fall asleep. Not on your life! Israel's Guardian will never doze or sleep. God's your Guardian, right at your side to protect you-Shielding you from sunstroke, sheltering you from moonstroke. God guards you from every evil, he guards your very life. He guards you when you leave and when you return, he guards you now, he guards you always." -Psalm 121
So, climbing a mountain is no easy challenge; but it's good to know that God protects me and strengthens me amidst life's challenges.

Lesson #8: I Can't Control the Time

"Todo en su tiempo" is an expression that I heard my great-aunt and grandmother say a lot when I first came to Central America. It means "everything in its time." Time is something that I have been learning to deal with here. Yesterday morning I discovered that the batteries in my classroom clock had stopped working. As a result, I spent the entire day glancing at the clock to check the time, but only to learn that the time was still stuck at 10:40. Being a person that constantly wants to know the time and be on schedule, I was very distraught by the clock's lack of service. This morning when I stepped into my classroom, the clock was shattered on the ground! Somehow it had fallen and broken to tiny pieces on my floor! This, of course, was even more disturbing. I swept the pieces into the trash can and put the clock away. Now whenever I unconsciously check the time, I am glancing at a vacant spot on my whiteboard where the clock used to hang. Not knowing the time is hard for me. I want to know how much time I have to complete the things that need to be done. I want to be sure that the important things get accomplished. I feel like I don't have this control if I don't know the time.
The clock's decision to retire happened at an interesting time in my life. I feel as though the end of my time in Copan is very near. Consequently, I've been seriously searching and applying for teaching jobs back in the United States. In fact, I applied for Teach for America and actually got to the third part of the application process-the in-person interview. Although I was super excited to have been invited for the interview, I would have had to pay around $700 to fly back to the United States and I would have had to miss work. I also would have had to fill out and request lots of different papers and transcripts. It all felt like so much work. In the end, as I prayed, I realized that the reason it felt like so much work was because I was working too hard. In fact, I wasn't trusting God to provide me with the job. I was afraid that I won't have a job when I return to the United States. Instead, God told me to wait...and rest. I don't need to know what my future will look like right now. Really, I don't know what I'm waiting for. I don't know if it's a teaching job or a different opportunity that looks nothing like what I'm imagining. I just know that God wants me to trust Him. I, of course, am still applying for jobs; but I am trusting God to work out the details. As the clock has stopped telling the time in my classroom, I need to give God the control of the time. "Todo en su tiempo." Or, maybe..."Todo en Su Tiempo." "He has made everything beautiful in his time." -Ecclessiastes 3:11

Lesson #7: We don't look for the light until we're in the dark.

"Se fue la luz" is a popular expression in Copan....literally translated, it means "the light has left." Many times since moving to Copan, the electricity has gone out unexpectedly at home, at school, and even while eating in restaurants. Immediately following the loss of light, people begin scurrying around looking for matches and candles to light. Then we resume whatever we were doing before the electricity went out (unless we no longer can because it involved the use of electricity.)
Similarly, the light in my bathroom is not stable. Sometimes while using the facilities, the light will randomly go off and then not come back on again for several minutes; so I find myself using the bathroom, showering, brushing my teeth, or fixing my hair in the dark. After this occurred for several days, the light finally went out altogether...seemingly never to come back on again. For that reason, I visited the local commercial store to buy a new light bulb. I asked my landlord for a ladder to replace the bulb, and I told him about the frustrations with the light in my bathroom. He told me that he wanted to check it out for himself; so he did. As soon as he began to unscrew the bulb, it lit up once again. That was an easy enough solution to my problem...for now.
Most recently, last night (Saturday) I began washing my clothes outside in the pila at around 5, and it begins to get dark here right at 6. I knew that I didn't have very much time before it would be dark outside, but I wanted to get my clothes washed yesterday. I normally wash my clothes on Saturday mornings, but I had chosen to go on a hike instead. By the time I finished washing my clothes, it was really dark outside; but I still had to take the last of my washed clothes upstairs to the terrace to hang them on the clothesline to dry. I was dreading this because I hate having to stumble around in the dark to try to find a place to hang my clothes. I've never actually hung my clothes in the dark. I've only tried taking them off the line in the dark when I've realized that the shirt I need for school the next day is still hanging on the line upstairs. As I reached the top of the stairs, I noticed a light switch hanging from the ceiling. For the first time it occurred to me that there might be a light in the terrace. I glanced around me, and sure enough, I saw one. I flipped on the switch-AND THERE WAS LIGHT! I never would've looked for that light had I not had to face the challenge of hanging my clothes in the dark.
Just as I have been searching for light literally within my surroundings, I've also been searching for light in my life spiritually. I'm trying to intentionally "walk in the light, God himself being the light," as I John 1 says. This need to find the light and walk in it has slowly become more and more of a reality to me. Although I understood this idea conceptually, I didn't claim it as my own journey until I realized that I was in a dark place of doubts, confusion, and fears. When I cried out for the truth, I was reminded that Jesus is the Truth and God is the Light. I am unsure about how to practically live this out, but God is showing me that by daily submitting myself to Him, He will show me what His purpose for my life is within His plan. Along with that, I am also learning patience and trust. If I was never in the dark, I would never have to search for the Light.

Lesson #6: God's Blessings Are Different Than What You Think

The end of the first quarter of the school year has just passed, and it has not passed without a good degree of stress, disappointment, and feelings of failure. The main reason for this is my failure in reporting my students' grades. At the end of the quarter, I was not able to report reading grades for my students because they are inaccurate...only because I have no idea how to assess reading or teach it to Spanish speakers. The fact that I could not report grades for Reading (and nearly Science) really brought to my attention my failure as a teacher. Until that point, I was just using the resources that were given to me. I had felt overwhelmed and my strategy was to do the best with what I had. The 1st quarter report cards served as a wake-up call to me-I have to change how I am doing things...because they are not working. Even if it means that I will have to find and make extra resources. But in it all, I realized that if I had not failed as a teacher this first quarter, I would not have given God the glory in my classroom. At the end of my teaching experience, I would have said "what a great experience and my kids and I learned so much!" Now that I've recognized my incompetence as a teacher, I've come to realize just how much I can't be successful on my own...that I need God's help. At the end of this experience, if God chooses to take over my classroom and help my children learn...I'm going to be able to say, "Look what God did in my classroom!" I can give Him all the glory because I know that I could not do in my own strength and power.

Within the past couple of weeks, God has really begun to work in my mind the meaning of His blessings. All of my life, I've had the picture that God's blessings were health, success, peace, comfort (and answers to prayers, in general). As much as I've always felt uneasy with the "health and wealth" or "prosperity" teachings, for some reason, I never examined my beliefs concerning God's blessings and what they really mean. Clearly, the idea of God's blessings come from somewhere. That "somewhere" I believe is the Bible, but somehow I've come to interpret and understand God's blessings incorrectly. This idea came to my mind one Sunday morning as I absent-mindedly sat in the Amigos church by my house. I want to attend church services here, but none of the churches so far have captured my attention or taught me more about the Bible or God's character. Nevertheless, God has been faithful to teach me things just by coming to church...things completely unrelated to the message being spoken. On this particular Sunday, God brought the question to my mind, "Does the Bible ever say that if you do God's will, everything will be well/good for you?" The next morning, I looked for the answer in my Bible. I've been reading a paraphrase of the Bible lately called "The Message." As I flipped through the pages, the Beatitudes came to my mind. I flipped to Matthew 5 and began to read. As I read, the words really sank into my heart and my mind...and convicted me and the meaning of God's blessings were affirmed in my spirt. "You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and His rule. You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. You're blessed when you're content with just who you are-no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought. You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetitie for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat. You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you'll find yourselves cared for. You're blessed when you get your inside world-your mind and heart-put right. Then you can see God in the outside world. You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom. Not only that-count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable."

As I read each blessing, I began to consider God's blessings in my life. I was at the end of my rope with my classroom. For that reason, there is more of God now and He is ruling in my classroom. As wrong as it sounds, I believe that the stress, feelings of failure, and disappointment were God's blessing in my life.
Then I thought about losing the one who I felt was dearest to me. In any relationship, there is the temptation to make the other person the most important. Since coming to Honduras and having to maintain a long-distance relationship, I've really begun to know what it means to be embraced by the One most dear to me. He is the one that I talk to every morning and share my life with. He is the one who knows every detail of my life. It's wonderful.
The final blessing about persecution has always confused me. But, it's not been until recently that I've begun to understand it in the more day-to-day life. Within the past few days, God has spoken to me directly and clearly concerning something that I've been praying about for a long time..I am convinced that He spoke to me. When I shared this news with someone that I really cared about, the reaction was that I was deceived and lying to myself...that I didn't obey God and that I was only following my flesh. These words were so hurtful coming to me from someone that I loved so much...but the next morning as I considered God's blessings once again, I recognized that these lies were said to discredit God...not me. God was clearly at work in my life and putting me down for it and speaking lies about me were actions that denied God's work. And as much as it did not feel that way and as much as it still does not feel that way, it also is God's blessing.
So...God has been blessing me a lot lately.

Lesson #5: Honduran Homes Do Not Allow for Privacy

Since moving to Honduras, I've experienced a decrease in personal boundaries and space. Walking home at night, I can easily peer into families' homes and witness them watching television on the couch, eating dinner, or doing whatever manner of evening activities inside their houses. There is an obvious lack of curtains covering people's windows...including mine. Thankfully, I have a curtain to cover my bedroom window, but that is the only curtain in my house. Because I live on the top story of our housing complex, thankfully people can not easily look into our house...unless they are trying. On more than one occassion I've experienced people peering into my kitchen window. That seems to be the more common thing to do instead of knocking on the door, which is right beside the kitchen window. Actually, several of the teachers have children who peer into their windows and watch them every day as they go about their business...it usually seems to be the kitchen windows that get all the onlookers.
The way that I've noticeably experienced a decrease in personal boundaries is due to the fact that the houses here in Honduras are also all made of cement. Cement houses have no insulation...from weather or sound. Sounds carry like crazy here...and I hear sounds all the time! Sounds that probably happen all the time in normal life in the United States...but I'm normally never aware that they are happening outside or in other people's homes. I hear various sounds regularly throughout the course of my day:
I wake up at 4:15 to the sounds of roosters making crazy crowing noises...not regular rooster crows...chickens make weird sounds here.
As I sit and read in my sitting room in the morning, I here the people below my house next door waking up and getting ready for the morning. I hear them conversing; but then I also hear a man every morning hocking up loogies. The first few times that I heard this, Tiffany and I both thought he was throwing up. But, when these noises continued every morning, we realized that the problem was just congestion. Next, I hear the water running and I assume the people are washing...something. Interestingly, I can even hear the men next door using the bathroom...whatever kind of facility it may be.
Throughout the course of the day (if I'm home), I can hear children walking by and whistling through their hands. It took me a long time to figure out what was making this sound...it sounds like an extremely annoying and persistent recorder.
At school, sounds carry into my classroom all day. Our classrooms are also made of cement, and have giant windows with only screens covering them. During the day, sounds of children running and sceaming as they play ball in the feild outside of my classroom and sounds of the teachers teaching throughout the building and even the building next door carry into my classroom.
At home in the evenings, the church next door begins blasting their church music every night and then broadcast some type of sermon. The sound drowns out all others (inside and outside the house). I've begun closing all my windows and doors to get some sort of quiet.
I also am never able to have a personal conversation here...no matter where I am, my conversations can be heard from within and without...even if I'm in my own room. I feel as though I can't say anything unless I want everybody to hear it and know it.(Although it helps that if I am speaking in English most of the people in the neighborhood can't understand me.)
When I finally lay down in my bed to sleep, I often hear the dogs fighting outside. The barking begins with the sound of only a few dogs, then it sounds as though every other dog in the entire neighborhood joins in on the howling and barking and growling. The sound is incredible. As the night goes on, I can hear the sound of random gunshot and/or firecrackers going off somewhere in the distance...I have no idea why.
Living here, I feel as though every thing here is so much more open...not as private. Sounds and sights are public...not personal or private. This openness seems to both influence and be influenced by the culture. The people here are so open and have a much less defined sense of personal space. Hondurans sit closely together on public busses and they greet each other with hugs and kisses on the cheeks. It's such a different way to live... unrestricted by boundaries.